A Very Long Engagement by Sébastien JaprisotAnd now for a story. My sister Heelya is particular about her teeth, which is understandable. She’s had so many teeth drilled we joke that her mouth is a member of OPEC. Because we didn’t have dental coverage growing up we rarely saw the dentist. He was a haggler anyway, or at least that’s what [...]
My friend Ricci is a bit of an inspiration. She’s reading this so I’ll refrain from using clichés. When we first started at the same newspaper in Sarasota we were instructed by the editor to avoid clichés like the plague. Like the plague. The first time I set out to write a novel I started [...]
This story is based on actual events. Here I sit, in bed on a Wednesday night while my Kathy Griffin-loving boyfriend sleeps heavily beside me. Dreaming of Griffin no doubt. I outed Joe a Griffinite early in our relationship. His KG tendencies were glaring. For example: stalling on Bravo whenever My Life on the D-List [...]
Milk Bone. Smells like corn chips. Makes for a good game of tug-of-war and that’s about it. Oma prefers this baby to the others because she says she can hold one end without it sliming her fingers. Pug Baby Jr. A Ty Beanie Baby from Hamburg, NY. By far the dog’s favorite toy. Smells like [...]
I interviewed a woman for the newspaper this week whose voice mail message said: “You’ve reached Diane. I’m not here right now. Please leave me a message and before you hang up tell me one good thing about your life.” In the five seconds the message played two thoughts flashed through my head. 1.) This [...]
Lance, meet Heath. Heath, meet Lance. You guys have not been officially introduced. But today I think is perhaps a good day for you two to meet. A little background on Heath … Joe conceived Heath one January afternoon in a fit of obsessive compulsion. Heath is a composition/compulsion notebook filled with my boyfriend’s daily [...]
This is a story I wrote for my paper that was scooped before publication by the big hairy daily in town. Since it never saw the light of day, here’s an unfinished version: STRIPPERELLA, Feb. 18, 2008 Let’s play a word association game. I say a word. You say what immediately comes to mind. I [...]
Because when I say, “I want something salty” at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night he cuts up two potatoes and makes me french fries.
What is it about Buffalo? It’s a ghostly city lined with crumbling steel mills, surrounded by brick buildings with their windows punched out. The outskirts of the city, a town called Lackawanna, looks like the bottoms of a pair of muddy worn out jeans. The inside of the city on cold winter days from the [...]
Wondering what to do with your French baguettes when they are no longer edible? Joe and I use ours to play baseball with in our apartment. Sometimes we pitch the dog’s toys. Sometimes we pitch Koosh balls as I’m crazy about Koosh balls. Since we don’t recycle because St. Pete makes it impossibly inconvenient to, and since [...]
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