In keeping up with my merry self-deprecating elf of a sister, here’s a third installment in the PK Q&A series.
For those of you new to Lance. I’ll recap.
In June, my sister PK arrived in St. Petersburg, Fla. without her Pantene Pro-V anti-frizz hair serum, and a viral Leona Lewis song stuck in her head.
By August, she had a roommate and two jobs – a nine-fiver at a highfalutin Sarasota preschool and a night gig at an Italian restaurant.
Since then she’s gotten her own apartment in Sarasota with a washer, a dryer, a $400 couch and nothing else. She lives alone and without cable TV. On weekends I drive down from St. Pete to grab hash browns and omelets with her at the Waffle Stop diner.
We just returned from the hinterlands of Western New York, where we celebrated Christmas with our family, and shocked the bejesus out of my father with a surprise 50th birthday party at the North Collins Senior Citizen Center.
(Hello Aunt Karyn! Hello Rebecca! Thank you, Erik for your handwritten Christmas card. It’s stuck to our fridge with a Led Zeppelin magnet. Dad, I’m sorry I bitched about your dial-up Internet. Mom, I’m sorry I bitched about North Collins’ lack of modern conveniences. Heelya, I’m sorry I bitched about bridesmaid dresses. I promised you all shout-outs, or in some cases, apologies. Nana & Papa: I have a post brewing in your honor. It involves a Cadillac, men’s underwear, and a girl named Vicky.)
But enough about that. My third interview with PK took place on a Southwest Airlines flight from Buffalo to Tampa. The guy sitting next to us got an earful, but to keep him happy I slid the latest issue of GQ – the one with Jennifer Aniston naked on the cover – into the magazine compartment in front of my seat.
What are your airplane pet peeves?
PK: As in in the airplane? The airport? Or overall?
In the airplane.
My feet don’t touch the ground and they fall asleep.
Who is the ideal person to be sitting next to in an airplane?
Generally someone who doesn’t want to talk because I like to sleep. I don’t want to feel the need to make small talk.
If you could sit next to any famous person on an airplane, who would it be?
A male dancer from Thunder From Down Under.
Do you think he’ll drop trou mid-flight?
Maybe in the bathroom.
Why don’t you eat your airplane snacks?
I’m not hungry.
But they’re free.
You appreciate my snacks more. You get excited when I give them to you.
That’s true. How would you describe your trip back home this Christmas?
It’s nice to have so many people around that know you well. You don’t constantly feel the need to explain where you’re coming from. I miss that. But it’s nice to feel independent. I know I’m going back to my own place. Do you know what I mean? I look at (North Collins) and I think, there’s nothing there for me besides my friends and family.
But that’s all you need, beyotch!
I agree. But I think … how do I word it? It’s hard to explain. It’s weird talking to my good friends and they’re talking about people I graduated with or other people I went to school with and the things they’re doing and I’m sort of glad I got out of there. I mean to be able to say, I experienced things.
I was stuck in a rut.
What do you miss the most about home?
Weird things, like being able to, in the middle of the day while Dad’s at work, go out for lunch with Mom, or meet up with Holly. I constantly knew I had someone to do something with … when I had free time.
Do you have people to do stuff with in Sarasota?
Yeah, I guess more so now. But it’s always me making the effort. All you need is someone to be there to talk to. It used to be I would call George (her best friend in North Collins) and she’d be like, ‘sure. I’ll be right over.’ People are a lot less empathetic in Florida. Is that the word I’m looking for? I’ve come to learn that people are less attached to their friends.
Isn’t that just called growing up?
It probably has something to do with that.
This was your first trip home since you moved away seven months ago. What was the first thing you noticed about the parent’s place when you walked in?
Everything looks so dark and wood-like. In Florida it’s all cool colors and tile. Back home everything is dark, warm colors and wood. Mom Nana-fied our bedrooms. I get a kick out of how I slept in a twin-sized bed for 22 years. I move out and it becomes a full – with a plush pillow-top mattress.
Do you like what Mom did to your room?
It looks very nice, it’s just very … it’s the same thing she did to your room. They’ve become guest bedrooms.
Did you feel like a guest?
A bit. Until Mom said, ‘why don’t you vacuum?’ And we got in a fight over a can opener. Then it was like I never left.
Did you vacuum?
Yes, only the bedroom though. She told me I could stop.
Did the can opener fight get resolved?
Oh my God. I was going to wrap my white elephant gift for Nana’s, and Mom said to Dad, ‘Look what she’s giving away? These nice mugs and an electric can opener? I struggle with my can opener every day, and she’s just giving this good one away?’ Things got heated and eventually I offered it to her, but she refused to keep it because she said it would remind her of this argument. It blew up into her saying how everything is given to me and how nothing is ever good enough. I said, ‘Mom, that has nothing to do with it. I just like crank can openers.’
But she took the can opener. I saw her opening a can of corn on Christmas.
I refused to wrap it. On Christmas she was ranting and raving about how it cuts like butter.
What does your apartment in Sarasota look like?
It’s barren. I’ve been told it looks like I got robbed.
Yet you invested in a grown-up sofa from a fancy furniture store?
Yes, it’s my prized possession. I lint roll it once every two days.
Are you ever going to put out the rug I gave you?
Not until I get a kitchen table.
When are you getting a kitchen table?
Not until I look around for a good deal.
When are you going to get cable?
I plan on getting cable in January to start the new year, but I might put if off one more month. I sort of got my fix at Mom and Dad’s. There’s nothing wrong with watching Legends of the Fall for the 9th time.
Your TV gets an analog signal. You know you’re going to have to get a converter box when cable goes digital next month.
Wait … wait … I’ve got an itch. On my shoulder blades.
I got it.
No … to the left. I mean right …
What cool rigamarole did you get for Christmas?
My America’s Next Top Model pajamas are cool, even though Dad says they’re too sexy for a single girl to be wearing. I say, even more reason to wear them. No one is going to see me in them.
Do people in Buffalo tell you your blood has thinned in Florida? I get that a lot.
Yeah, God forbid you complain about six-degree weather. Suddenly you’ve got thin blood and brittle bones.
Brittle bones? Do people in Buffalo have thick bones?
You didn’t check your ice skates on the plane because of the blades, right?
That would be correct. I also didn’t want my ice skates getting whipped out at security – like, ‘whose are these?’ I wouldn’t want to claim them even though they’re $600 skates.
Why are you ashamed of your skates?
I’m just ashamed of the smell. They have a pungent odor from my sweat.
You could have brought your flute on the plane.
Probably not. It could be used as a club.
What’s your theory behind Buffalo zits? I see you’ve gotten a few.
Let me tell you. I haven’t broken out this rapidly and this profusely in a long time. My theory? I think there are a few things that play into it. A.) The lack of sunshine. B.) The well water. C.) The stress of our family.
Do you think you’ll move back home?
Not at this point in my life. I’m sort of like in between. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. There are days I think I want to live in a foreign country and there are days I want to move home.
What if you meet a man?
I don’t think I’m going to meet a Florida man. They’re not my type.
Joe’s a Florida man.
He’s a rare find.
PS. Yes, the couch pictured above is PK’s most prized possession.