He rotted before his time
Why I won’t have a pumpkin this Halloween:
Because the weather here in Florida is swamp assingly hot. Because I carved a pumpkin with my sister PK two Saturdays ago only to have it rot and fill with bugs one week later. Because I spent $25 on three pumpkins two Saturdays ago only to have all three rot and fill with bugs one week later. Because I even carved a pumpkin for THE PUG that resembled the pug and looked like Pikachu when it was lit. Because both of these pumpkins were so delicately rendered, so beautifully carved and cleanly gutted that I’d never be able to replicate them. Because replicating their faces so soon after their demise would be disrespectful. The grieving process has just begun.
The day of the epic carving the weather dropped below 50 degrees. It was glorious. Crisp. Chilly. I wore a lightweight scarf and a long-sleeved shirt. When I gutted the squash, my hands were so cold I rubbed them together for warmth and then I saved the seeds, coated them in salt and baked them at 350 degrees. I drank warm tea and soaked my bones in PK’s hot tub. It felt like fall for 24 hours and then one day later, it was over.
For one day I was able to go without deodorant. For one day I was spared the onslaught of weird, random bugs that are STILL nesting under the hood of my car. For one day I was able to open the windows in my house and fall asleep to the sound of cicada bugs. For one day my pumpkin and the pug’s pumpkin sat lit in the front yard, their big round eyes fresh from carving, their pokey smiles oblivious to the impending rot.
The morning I tossed them in the dumpster I called PK for moral support.
“Hey. How rotten is your pumpkin?”
“It’s not bad. I mean, there are bugs in it and it’s a little mushy, but nothing too gross.”
“Have you looked at this morning?”
“No.”
“Open your door and take a look.”
<Shriek.>
“Yes?”
“It’s a rotten monster!”
—
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I don’t understand what the problem is here? Pumpkins are supposed to be scary. That’s the whole point. You take a stupid looking gourd, and you carve a frightening face into it. Why? I have no idea. (Gotta be related to religion somehow.) But what I do know is that’s the scariest pumpkin I have ever seen! You could catch swine flu from that thing. One breath will turn your lungs to raw sewage. That pumpkin could kill Ebola!
Halloween success.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:14 amhahahahaha Happy Halloween everyone!
October 29th, 2009 at 12:55 pmhahahahaha Happy Halloween everyone….. Mr Pumpkinhead looks a wee bit BBQ’ed. I think he too was cooked at 350 degrees!
October 29th, 2009 at 1:03 pmHaha, this is how it was for me last Halloween. It was so warm here in Arizona that Eva was running around outside in her diaper Halloween night(Yes, I am THAT mom). This year we’ve been blessed with some cooler weather. It’s been in the 60′s for the last 2 days and tomorrow too. Did you take a picture of your Pug Pumpkin?
October 29th, 2009 at 5:42 pmthat bites!! Does Florida even have a fall season? I’m not sure but for some reason I’d be surprised if it did. Well, here’s hoping you have plenty of crisp, fall days ahead!
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pmFlorida barely has a fall season, which is unfortunate because it’s my favorite season. Ah well. I got my fall in Upstate NY. On my wedding day.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:11 pm