• Me.

    Heidi for Lance
  • Joe.

    Rock Star Joe
  • Our kid.

    Hank_Lance
  • Our dog.

    Cubbie 4th of july Cubbie died Oct. 18, 2013. He was almost 9 years old.
  • Joe trying to sleep past 6 a.m. on a camping trip with our kid.

    Joe Hank Camping for Lance
  • Why Lance?

    Because the word blog sounds like something that comes out of a person's nose. This blog is named after my old friend Sarah's manifestation of a dreamy Wyoming cowboy named Lance.
  • About me

    I'm a journalist who spends my Mondays through Fridays writing other people's stories, a chronic procrastinator who needs structure. I once quit my job to write a book and like most writers, I made up excuses why I couldn't keep at it.

    My boyfriend fiancé husband Joe likes to sleep in late on the weekends, but since we have a kid now that happens less than he'd like.

    Before Henry, I used to spend my mornings browsing celebrity tabloid websites while our dog snored under the covers. Now I hide my computer in a spot my son can't reach because everything I own is now broken, stained or peed on.

    I created Lance in an attempt to better spend my free time. I thought it might jump start a second attempt at writing a novel.

    It hasn't. And my free time is gone.

    But I'm still here writing.

    I'm 26 27 28 29 30 31 and I've yet to get caught up in something else, which is kind of a big deal for a chronic procrastinator.

  • How I met Joe

  • And if that’s not enough…

  • New!

    Subscribe
  • In the news

  • The Pregnancy Confessions

  • Why do I even blogger?

  • Lance lately

  • Social commentary

  • Back in the day

  • Oddities

  • Reading material

    Wild by Cheryl Strayed

Pregnancy Confession No. 9

30 May 2011
[I pee my pants.]

The first time it happened
I was appalled.

DISGUSTED.

I was running my usual three-mile stretch
when I sneezed.

A healthy
cleansing
sneeze.

I'm one of those people
who looks at the sun for two seconds
and sneezes.

It's called Photic Sneeze Reflex.
And since I live in Florida,
I sneeze all the time.

I actually (used to) enjoy it.
I found it refreshing.  

That was,
until I got pregnant
and started pissing myself.

Let me preface this by saying
it's been a long time since I peed my pants.

YEARS.

Well, except for that one time in high school
when my friend Sarah cracked a joke
that had me rolling.

I suppose in a sense,
it's reminded me of what it feels like
to be a baby
with soggy drawers. 

It's irritating.
No wonder kids cry when their diapers are wet.

ANYWAY.

I stopped running.
I threw my hands to my hips
and sneered at my bulging belly. Damn you!
I cursed,
hoping the remark wouldn't cross the placenta.

I wasn't cursing my fetus.
He couldn't help that his apartment
came with leaky plumbing.

I was cursing his LANDLORD,
or whoever it is that lords over
the land of pregnant bodies.

I cursed That Guy.

(A woman would never design the uterus so that
it sits on top of the bladder.)

I cursed the small trickle of urine that
had undoubtedly seeped through my underpants
and onto my Nike running shorts.

Eff it,
I thought.

If this is how it's going to be for five more months,
so be it.

I'm a pregnant pants pisser now.

And in damp underwear, off I ran
covering the rest of my three miles
in long, gallant strides,
sneezing twice more
and pissing twice more.

I tried to brace for the tinkles.
Trust me.

I crossed my legs and did my Kegels.
I held my stomach
and envisioned a faucet at the base of my urethra.
A stainless steel Kohler faucet
with ornate handles
and an eco-friendly, airtight flow-restricting valve.

The attempt proved futile.
My once-Herculean pelvic floor muscles
were buckling under pressure.

So I made peace with the inevitable
and appreciated the fact that my shorts were black.
I suppose even if they weren't,
I would have kept running.

As any former preg will tell you,
being with child means
learning to live without ego.

You adapt to the situation
by wearing maxi pads to funny movies.

So yeah.
This is Confession No. 9.

I'm just about 40 weeks pregnant
and I piddle my pants in small amounts.

Luckily, I have many pairs of underwear
and a husband who thinks poor bladder control
is borderline cute.

So much so that he even invented a song about it
to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

I can't remember all the lyrics,
but I can tell you
the first time I heard it
I laughed so hard

... I peed my pants. 

12 Responses to “Pregnancy Confession No. 9”

  1. 1
    Heelya Says:

    Gross Heid, just gross…. too much info for the public….you should buy depends.

  2. 2
    Brandy Says:

    You are not helping my husband out …….. the more I read the less I want to ever get pregnant……. adoption is looking better and better

  3. 3
    Wendy Says:

    I love those bloomers! I want a pair.

    Plus, I feel like long distance runners pee their pants all the time. No big.

  4. 4
    heidi Says:

    Right on Wendy! The bloomers rock. I wish I could say they were mine. If anyone knows where I can get my hands on such an adorable pair of pantaloons, please let me know.

    Brandy: I swear pregnancy ain’t that bad. Remember what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. :)

    Heelya: You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.

  5. 5
    MaryAnn Says:

    Loved it. You are sooooooooo funny.

  6. 6
    denise Says:

    it won’t stop after the baby either!! Been peeing myself ever since I had my last baby in 07!

  7. 7
    Caitlin Says:

    A la Billy Madison “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis!”

    For real though, I am glad to see things are back centered and where I like them to be. What? I’m selfish.

    I LOVE that you are doing a natural birth. I watched “The Business of Being Born” and let me tell you – NO doctor is coming near me! Excited to hear all about it – wishing you luck and keeping you in my thoughts! xo

  8. 8
    Julia Says:

    hahaha – this is great

  9. 9
    Brandy Says:

    Heidi Denise didn’t help me out either that was 4 years ago……. besides not having a desire to be pregnant, there is just so many things that go over on the con list…….. adoption is looking awesome…… many munchkins need good homes

  10. 10
    Brian Says:

    Heidi…if your still peeing your pants when we get down there Ill have a pee in my pants with you!!! LOL!! Cya soon!

  11. 11
    heidi Says:

    Denise: If had read your comment pre-pregnancy, I might have sewn my ladies parts shut years ago.

    Brandy: You are absolutely right. Many munchkins do need good homes –– and I’m sure you’ll provide exactly that one day.

    Brian: We can make a midnight run to Walmart for Depends!

  12. 12
    Brandy Says:

    Heidi Can you see where I am coming from now…….. hahahahahahaha…… Few tell the whole truth on pregnancy those that do make me so not one to have one …….. Hahahahahaha to the Midnight WalMart run hahahahaha

Leave a Reply

?2014 While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping | Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS)
Designed By: Web Hosting Rally | Premium Wordpress Themes | Car Hifi | Web Hosting