Pregnancy Confession No. 9

[I pee my pants.]

The first time it happened
I was appalled.

DISGUSTED.

I was running my usual three-mile stretch
when I sneezed.

A healthy
cleansing
sneeze.

I'm one of those people
who looks at the sun for two seconds
and sneezes.

It's called Photic Sneeze Reflex.
And since I live in Florida,
I sneeze all the time.

I actually (used to) enjoy it.
I found it refreshing.  

That was,
until I got pregnant
and started pissing myself.

Let me preface this by saying
it's been a long time since I peed my pants.

YEARS.

Well, except for that one time in high school
when my friend Sarah cracked a joke
that had me rolling.

I suppose in a sense,
it's reminded me of what it feels like
to be a baby
with soggy drawers. 

It's irritating.
No wonder kids cry when their diapers are wet.

ANYWAY.

I stopped running.
I threw my hands to my hips
and sneered at my bulging belly. Damn you!
I cursed,
hoping the remark wouldn't cross the placenta.

I wasn't cursing my fetus.
He couldn't help that his apartment
came with leaky plumbing.

I was cursing his LANDLORD,
or whoever it is that lords over
the land of pregnant bodies.

I cursed That Guy.

(A woman would never design the uterus so that
it sits on top of the bladder.)

I cursed the small trickle of urine that
had undoubtedly seeped through my underpants
and onto my Nike running shorts.

Eff it,
I thought.

If this is how it's going to be for five more months,
so be it.

I'm a pregnant pants pisser now.

And in damp underwear, off I ran
covering the rest of my three miles
in long, gallant strides,
sneezing twice more
and pissing twice more.

I tried to brace for the tinkles.
Trust me.

I crossed my legs and did my Kegels.
I held my stomach
and envisioned a faucet at the base of my urethra.
A stainless steel Kohler faucet
with ornate handles
and an eco-friendly, airtight flow-restricting valve.

The attempt proved futile.
My once-Herculean pelvic floor muscles
were buckling under pressure.

So I made peace with the inevitable
and appreciated the fact that my shorts were black.
I suppose even if they weren't,
I would have kept running.

As any former preg will tell you,
being with child means
learning to live without ego.

You adapt to the situation
by wearing maxi pads to funny movies.

So yeah.
This is Confession No. 9.

I'm just about 40 weeks pregnant
and I piddle my pants in small amounts.

Luckily, I have many pairs of underwear
and a husband who thinks poor bladder control
is borderline cute.

So much so that he even invented a song about it
to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

I can't remember all the lyrics,
but I can tell you
the first time I heard it
I laughed so hard

... I peed my pants. 

Comments

  1. Heelya says

    Gross Heid, just gross…. too much info for the public….you should buy depends.

  2. Brandy says

    You are not helping my husband out …….. the more I read the less I want to ever get pregnant……. adoption is looking better and better

  3. says

    I love those bloomers! I want a pair.

    Plus, I feel like long distance runners pee their pants all the time. No big.

  4. heidi says

    Right on Wendy! The bloomers rock. I wish I could say they were mine. If anyone knows where I can get my hands on such an adorable pair of pantaloons, please let me know.

    Brandy: I swear pregnancy ain’t that bad. Remember what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. :)

    Heelya: You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.

  5. denise says

    it won’t stop after the baby either!! Been peeing myself ever since I had my last baby in 07!

  6. says

    A la Billy Madison “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis!”

    For real though, I am glad to see things are back centered and where I like them to be. What? I’m selfish.

    I LOVE that you are doing a natural birth. I watched “The Business of Being Born” and let me tell you – NO doctor is coming near me! Excited to hear all about it – wishing you luck and keeping you in my thoughts! xo

  7. Brandy says

    Heidi Denise didn’t help me out either that was 4 years ago……. besides not having a desire to be pregnant, there is just so many things that go over on the con list…….. adoption is looking awesome…… many munchkins need good homes

  8. Brian says

    Heidi…if your still peeing your pants when we get down there Ill have a pee in my pants with you!!! LOL!! Cya soon!

  9. heidi says

    Denise: If had read your comment pre-pregnancy, I might have sewn my ladies parts shut years ago.

    Brandy: You are absolutely right. Many munchkins do need good homes –– and I’m sure you’ll provide exactly that one day.

    Brian: We can make a midnight run to Walmart for Depends!

  10. Brandy says

    Heidi Can you see where I am coming from now…….. hahahahahahaha…… Few tell the whole truth on pregnancy those that do make me so not one to have one …….. Hahahahahaha to the Midnight WalMart run hahahahaha

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