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While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping

What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

R.I.P. Cubbie’s balls

March 3, 2012 by heidi 8 Comments

ST. PETERSBURG – Cubbie’s hairy black balls died Wednesday following a standard neutering procedure at a Florida veterinary clinic. They were seven years old.

Unusually large for pug testicles, they saw very little action during their brief but well documented time on earth.

Though they rarely did a productive thing and were loath to get off the couch, they were a frequent topic of conversation. Those that knew Cubbie’s balls say they were the kind of nuts that lit up a room.

“They never got testy,” remarked Squirrel Baby, the balls’ on-again-off-again lover. “Even at their lowest and darkest, they could still roll with it.”

Though Cubbie’s balls never served active duty, they enlisted the day they left the litter and routinely descended on friend or foe whenever the moment was ripe.

“I could tell they really wanted to go out and test their might,” said Squirrel Baby. “But they just couldn’t sack up, ya know?”

Instead Cubbie’s balls lived a leisurely life, spent hanging out and tea bagging humans.

Despite their impressive size, they were a modest set of balls. When one overpriced veterinarian suggested replacing their likeness with prosthetic dog nuts called Neuticles, Cubbie’s balls refused the offer.

“We’ve lived a nice well-rounded life,” the pair said. “Save your imposter nuts for cockier dogs. We’re ready to bounce.”

Cubbie’s balls were survived by Cubbie’s father’s balls.

Filed Under: cubbie's balls, pug babies, pugs

Comments

  1. Heelya says

    March 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

    OMG! What a post! Poor cubmister! Seeing Cut without um’ will be some weird. Is he aware they are gone you think?

  2. Heelya says

    March 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

    *Cub

  3. Heelya says

    March 3, 2012 at 9:34 am

    * So weird (man I can’t type this morning!)

  4. Brandy says

    March 4, 2012 at 3:46 am

    DIdn’t know he had them…. Glad to hear you took the plunge and had them removed :-). It’ll be healthier in the long run. Was that part of what was causing the issue over the summer? I recommended finding the Dr. House of vets, I can’t remember the problem.

  5. Sara says

    March 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    RIP Cubbie’s Balls.

    This is beyond awesome. Only you could eloquently fit tea bagging in a sentence.

    My nieces have no idea what balls are. They told me their dog had ‘extra cheeks’ on his bum.

    Thanks for the smiles. As usual.

  6. mothership says

    March 5, 2012 at 8:05 am

    No more Mr. Teabagger…..HELLO the new and improved Cubman. Here’s to a much healthier & happier PUG!!!
    Funny story Heidi…good way to begin my morning..thanks! 🙂

  7. roger says

    March 7, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    “It’s about time!” says Sandy dog.

  8. Meg (MIMI+MEG) says

    April 22, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Wow, nice shot of the balls. This is hilarious.

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