ST. PETERSBURG – Cubbie’s hairy black balls died Wednesday following a standard neutering procedure at a Florida veterinary clinic. They were seven years old.
Unusually large for pug testicles, they saw very little action during their brief but well documented time on earth.
Though they rarely did a productive thing and were loath to get off the couch, they were a frequent topic of conversation. Those that knew Cubbie’s balls say they were the kind of nuts that lit up a room.
“They never got testy,” remarked Squirrel Baby, the balls’ on-again-off-again lover. “Even at their lowest and darkest, they could still roll with it.”
Though Cubbie’s balls never served active duty, they enlisted the day they left the litter and routinely descended on friend or foe whenever the moment was ripe.
“I could tell they really wanted to go out and test their might,” said Squirrel Baby. “But they just couldn’t sack up, ya know?”
Instead Cubbie’s balls lived a leisurely life, spent hanging out and tea bagging humans.
Despite their impressive size, they were a modest set of balls. When one overpriced veterinarian suggested replacing their likeness with prosthetic dog nuts called Neuticles, Cubbie’s balls refused the offer.
“We’ve lived a nice well-rounded life,” the pair said. “Save your imposter nuts for cockier dogs. We’re ready to bounce.”
Cubbie’s balls were survived by Cubbie’s father’s balls.