While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping

What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

Rock me mama: Growth and change in 2014

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I started this post a couple weeks ago and my intentions were to discuss the ways in which I think I’ve grown as a person, a mother and a journalist. I also intended to discuss the ways in which I think Joe has grown as a person, a father and a journalist. I thought this would be semi-interesting to at least four people.

I intended to share some of my brilliant and ghastly time management strategies, as well as some of my brilliant and ghastly potty training strategies.

I thought I’d tell you that Henry regularly uses the toilet, but since he also regularly bites other humans, throws close-fisted punches and flings chewed food on myself and the dog I wouldn’t say he’s 100 percent housebroken yet.

I thought I’d tell you we got a new dog.

Folding him into our life has helped fill a void and mend an ache. After months of huffing Cubbie’s favorite blanket in an attempt to bring him back, I washed it today for the first time with a load of sheets.

I thought I’d tell you that after a year of hustling as a freelancer, work is starting to happen with as much surprising regularity as Henry’s good potty days. This month I filled my calendar with so many projects and assignments I had to turn down work.

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Zen and the Art of Dining with Baby

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All I want for Valentine’s Day is to sleep until 9 a.m. and have breakfast served to me in bed.

Just putting it out there.

I’m happy to avoid a restaurant this year. Things haven’t been the same between me and restaurants since Henry arrived.

I used to regard eating out with the wide-eyed excitement of a child. Now I look at my wide-eyed child with the vacant look of a defeated adult. A table-for-two has little allure when your lunch companion has a penchant for tearing up napkins, overturning salt shakers and occasionally cawing like a seagull while wielding a slimy baby spoon like a drunk with a lighter at a Guns N’ Roses concert.

Until Henry pursues his degree in economics from Harvard we’ll probably never enjoy a civilized meal in public. And even then the experience will suck because he’ll be boring.

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Rain, babies, coffee and sleep

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This is scattered and I’m OK with that.

I know I’ve been lazy in the Lance department and I’m fine with that, as well.

I’ve been figuring out this mommy thing. Letting it run over me like warm water. Letting it settle into my bones like old age. Letting it hit my synapses like a drug. Letting it happen to me. Letting it be so special that even I, a writer, can’t put it into words. Not yet.

It’s bigger than me. Bigger than Joe. So enormous and so significant that I can’t pin a fancy word on it. You understand I’m sure.

I’m in the thick of it; staring at my kid, his perfect fingers, his big pink feet. They look like his father’s feet. They look like my feet.

His toes curl when he’s angry. His eyes widen when Joe plays the guitar and his brow furrows when he’s cold.

I still can’t believe I made this.

That we made this.

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The crowning of lucky No. 13

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Remember how I said I haven’t been to the dentist in 16 years?

Well, today I went. It was a follow-up visit to last week’s preliminary new patient visit.

This second visit was much more productive, expensive and saliva-filled. I got a deep cleaning, had three cavities filled and a crown put on what the dentist referred to as tooth no. 13.

Seriously? 13!

Ugh. If I weren’t a writer who appreciated irony, I’d think this was some sort of sick joke.

ANYWAY. The work took four and half hours and cost me $900.

$900 divided by 16 years = $56.25 a year, which is the only consolation I’m comfortable with right now as I slurp noodle soup out a mug and hope like hell that the heat will numb the throbbing on my left side and that the additional freelance work I picked up this month will cover the cost of 16 years of dental avoidance.

The dentist is f#@%ing frightening. No wonder so many people speak ill of it.

By the way, I lied to everyone in the office about how long it’s been since I’ve been to a dentist. I told them my last cleaning was in 2006. I think the dentist, her assistant and the hygienist could tell it had been longer when I had no idea how to handle the spit-sucking tube. Every time it stuck to my tongue I started laughing.

The laughing stopped when the drilling started.

What a god awful experience. And to think I have to go back. I have all four of my wisdom teeth and they’re slowly impacting like colossal glaciers on the move in a too-tiny pond.

—

PS. My head shot courtesy of Kevin Dooley via Flickr.

Fan mail

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Dear Heelya’s students,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to return your letters. They’ve sat in a pile on my kitchen table for days now.

I’ve read them and re-read them so many times while eating my morning cereal that I’ve memorized many of your sentiments.

Per your request, I’m posting your last correspondences on my Lance. Per your teacher’s request, I wont use your names.

(FYI: I’m pen-pals with my sister’s students in Buffalo. They’re elementary school kids and I love getting letters from them. They like to ask me about the pug, the weather, Joe and random things like: Do you drool? Do you like people in your town? Do you like snakes? Or, do you eat Snickers bars? I like to nickname them and ask them how they spend their weekends. Sometimes I draw them maps of Florida and explain where poisonous snakes lurk. One time I drew them a map of my living room with an arrow identifying where Joe usually sits on the couch and where the pug sleeps next him. Sometimes Joe writes to them. Sometimes I send them newspaper stories I’ve written or pictures I’ve taken. I like to tell them stories about Ro and I, because Ro is the speech pathologist at their school and they’re always blown away by the fact that we know each other. And I always, always tell them to keep writing. Their letters are awesome! They make my heart sing.)
—
Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

Can you come and visit my classroom? I like Spiderman soo much!
Me and my brother went to Disney on Ice. My mom didn’t go.
October the 12th is my birthday and then comes Halloween. My hair looks crazy today. My mom didn’t finish it before school so I took it out and shook it. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Are you glad about your mom? Do you like the people in your town? I like the people in my town.
I can’t wait to hear back from you!

Love,
@#!!@&*$
—

Hi Ms. Kurpiela!

I like your dog Cubbie. Yes, I am a clean person. Every day I wear a button up shirt tucked in. I have boots and dress pants. I get in the tub every day, sometimes in the morning. Sometimes at night.
I got new glasses! They are tinted blue. Do you have glasses?
What do you do for fun?
I like to play PlayStation 2. My dad has PlayStation 3. My sister has a Wii. My brother has a silver PlayStation 2 like me. It is so much fun playing it!
We’re growing beans in the classroom, but mine didn’t grow. Everyone else has beans that are growing besides me.

See ya later, alligator.
@#!!@&*$
—

Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

I am a new student in Ms. Kurpiela’s class.
Do you have any dogs? I have a dog. She is a Beagle and is 10 years old.
My sister likes monkeys.
How are you doing today? Do you work?
I love cars.
I am Native American.
I listen to drum CDs and my favorite artist is Johnny Cash. My favorite Johnny Cash song is “When You Get the Blues.”
Who is your favorite artist?
I am 7 years old. How old are you?
What is the weather like in Florida during the winter?
Today in Buffalo it is seven degrees! It is freezing!
Nice to meet you.

Your friend,
@#!!@&*$
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Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

How are you? I am doing good.
I went to a Build A Bear workshop. I made a brown bear. I love him. His name is Chocolate. He has a red bow tie and a book. We got lots of snow yesterday. I like to stay inside when it snows so I don’t get cold.
How is Joe and your dog?
You should come visit sometime at school.
Last week I went to Disney on Ice. I saw Mickey, the Ducky, Aladdin, the mermaid, Woody and Buzz and the Chipmunks.
I had pretzels, popcorn and a drink. It was yummy!

Love,
@#!!@&*$
—
Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

I like to say hi to parents, not teachers, that say good morning.
I’m looking at a Monster Inc. Book. Could you send me a Hero coloring sheet?
Do you ever take kids to a playground?
I went to a zoo and the elephants weren’t there. I wanted to see if they were falling in the water.
I saw a book about skating at my house and I hope we go soon.

Good day,
@#!!@&*$
—

Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

I like to ride my bike too. I have a big blue and red bike. I ride it really fast, but stay out of the street.
I am in a new class. Write me back still.
Do you watch TV a lot?
My favorite show is SpongeBob. I hope to hear from you soon!

From,
@#!!@&*$
—
Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

I am a new student. I like my new school and my teachers too.
My favorite subject is math. It’s my favorite because I am really good at it.
I am good at drawing too!
When I am not in school I like to play in the park. It is sooo fun!
One of my favorite things to do is play Hide and Go Seek and run around.
My best friend is nice and I like her a lot.
I have seven sisters and brothers. They are really cool!
I like Keyshia Cole! I can sing some of her songs.
It is really nice to meet you. I can’t wait to get a letter back.

Love,
@#!!@&*$
—
Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

Your job is cool!
There is drool on the floor.

From,
@#!!@&*$
—
Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

What did you have to eat yesterday?
Do you like snakes?
Are you sad?

Love,
@#!!@&*$
—
Dear Ms. Kurpiela,

Do you have a pool?
I like school.
I do not like tools.
I do not like drool.
I am cool.

Bye,
@#!!@&*$
—

Go dupe yourself.

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ABC, you’ve got to be kidding me.

I apologize if I’m late to the game here, but after watching The Insider tonight I learned that Steve-O, the jackass (at left) with a lobster clamped to his tongue, was hauled off Dancing With the Stars by an ambulance last week, after injuring his back rehearsing the tango.

Steve-O, the masochistic clown ABC lovingly refers to as “MTV’s Jackass prankster,” apparently pulled a muscle.

ABC, stop patronizing your viewers.

You expect people to believe that Steve-O, a man who stapled his nuts to his thighs, pierced his ass cheeks together, swallowed a worm through his nose, injected vodka (intravenously) though his legs and pole-vaulted through glass doors, ceiling fans, tables, and trees; Steve-O has a bad back.

ABC, have you no shame?

First you script Bachelor Jason Mesnick’s “change of heart,” then you stick his jilted cheerleader on (surprise, surprise) Dancing With the Stars, and now you’re telling us that Steve-O, a scrawny coke addict who once turned his tattooed body into a human dartboard, has suffered a pinched nerve?

What next? Steve-O signs on for four episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, wherein he undergoes back surgery and falls in love with a cancer-stricken Katherine Heigl?

In other news, it’s me and Joe’s two-year anniversary. I insisted he wear his Area 51 T shirt to celebrate the occasion.

Man, he looks adorable in it.

A guide to pug babies.

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Milk Bone. Smells like corn chips. Makes for a good game of tug-of-war and that’s about it. Oma prefers this baby to the others because she says she can hold one end without it sliming her fingers.




Pug Baby Jr. A Ty Beanie Baby from Hamburg, NY. By far the dog’s favorite toy. Smells like vomit. Makes for a good game of fetch. Is often lost under/in bed. When touched wet will disgust even the most hardy of dog lovers. Both eyes are gone. I sewed the sockets shut.

The Singing Cat. The only pug baby with a functioning sound box. Contrary to what you’d expect, The Singing Cat doesn’t meow but rings instead. Whenever it goes off Joe thinks my cell phone is ringing.
The Hamburger Baby. Squeaks. Is the least favorite of the dog’s pug babies. The Hamburger Baby is like the fat kid at recess. The last one picked for dodge ball.

Pug Baby Sr. The dog’s second favorite baby. Eyes, ear,muzzle and tail are easily chewed off. Sewn three times, re-stuffed once.


Elfin Baby. Needs to be sewn. Not a favorite. Came from Japan. A present from my Japanese exchange student, Yuuki. Used to have a hat.