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While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping

What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

Pregnancy Confession No. 6

April 21, 2011 by heidi 24 Comments

[My husband keeps me sane.]

I've heard that some women can't stand their husbands
when they're pregnant.

Not this woman. 

As independent as I think I am.
As strong.
As determined.
As tenacious and scrappy.

I'm afraid I'd be a tragic mess without Joe.

I don't tell him enough.
How happy I am that I married him.
That I chose to have a baby with him.
That he chose to marry me.
Have a baby with me.

How grateful I am for his unconditional love.
Because believe me, there are moments when I wouldn't love me.
But he does. And he tells me.
Over and over.

How grateful I am for his kindness.
His compliments.
That he tells me I'm beautiful.

Even as I get bigger and crankier
and dismiss every ounce of his flattery
and crinkle my nose at the mention of beauty. 

Still he tells me I'm beautiful.
And in moments of solitude, I think of that.
And in moments of frustration, I think of that.

And I think
Damn girl, you're lucky to be so loved.

And I think about my son.
How lucky he is to have a father
who sets his head on my stomach and says

"Hello in there.
How you doing?
If you can hear me, kick me in the face.
It's the only time I'll allow it, so do it while you can."

[Read more…]

Crawlout Shelter: Baby Cave

April 3, 2011 by heidi 27 Comments

This used to be The Man Cave. It’s now The Baby Cave since the word nursery is kind of weak. I realize that “cave” implies that our child has fangs and bat wings, but in our current vampire-obsessed culture I think he’ll blend just fine.

The room is 90 percent finished. When my dad comes down in June, he’ll install white chair rail between the beige and green walls.

The crib was a gift from my parents. There’s (of course) a ridiculous story behind the purchasing of the crib, but I’ll save that tale for another day. The rug is from Ikea. I LOVE IKEA. And yes, I always think of Ed Norton’s IKEA rant in Fight Club when I’m aimlessly wandering the store’s tidy/handsome apartment displays.

[Crib = Babies R Us. Rocking chair = Cracker Barrel.]

I still need to replace the mini blinds with white cordless shades. I haven’t decided if I’m keeping the green valances. My mom made them for The Man Cave a couple years ago and they seem to match the room’s current reincarnation, so we’ll see.

I take zero credit for the paint job and crib assembly. Last month, I escaped to my Oma and Opa’s place in South Sarasota County for a weekend away with my sister. When I returned two days later to a freshly painted cave and expertly assembled crib, I got all weepy and sentimental.

With each new step I take with Joe, I fall deeper and deeper in love. I’m a lucky lady.

[Paint = Benjamin Moore in aventurine green and interlude beige. Inspiration behind color combo = Eddie Bauer.]

[Read more…]

The psychic boy and the toy horses

March 31, 2011 by heidi 8 Comments

I swung by Dollar General yesterday afternoon to pick up some odds and ends.

While I was standing in the discount DVD aisle, a little boy about five years old ran up to me clutching two stuffed horses.

He was galloping. The horses were pretend galloping and pretend neighing.

I was considering purchasing a $4 As Good As It Gets DVD.

The child nuzzled me. The horses in his hands nuzzled me.

I put down the DVD. Wondered what Jack Nicholson was up to lately. Turned my attention to the kid at my waist; the brown horses neighing at my enormously pregnant stomach.

“You like my horses?” He asked.

“They’re very beautiful,” I said, bending down to meet him.”You take good care of them.”

“They’re race horses,” he replied.

“They look very fast,” I said.

“They need a bath.”

“They look perfectly clean to me.”

“Oh no, they stink like dirty horses,” he said turning his attention to the DVD display in front of us. I scanned the store for his parents. The only adults I could see were two presumably homeless men buying generic cola at the checkout counter.

“You buyin’ a movie?” He asked.

“Was thinking about it. You got any suggestions?”

He thought about it for a minute and then wildly galloped his horses in the air.

“I think you should buy a horse for your son,” he said.

I looked around for sign of another child. Surely, this kid had seen another boy in the store and assumed he belonged to me.

There were no other kids in the store.

Just me. The boy. The clerk. Two horses and two bums.

I wasn’t sure how to address his comment.

Technically I don’t have a son. Not yet anyway. I mean … well … I do, but he’s not exactly running around the house begging for toy horses even though lately some of his kicks and jabs make me think he’s ready to come out and play.

I looked at the boy suspiciously.

Where are your parents, dude?

I was in a hurry and in no position to explain pregnancy to a five-year-old.

So I said, “I don’t have a son.”

The boy tilted his head to the side. Nudged my stomach with one horse.

“You will soon,” he said, grinning.

—-

True story. It’s rekindled my belief in animal spirit guides.

A fine line between writing and living

January 27, 2011 by heidi 7 Comments

There’s something to be said for not writing.

This. Coming from a writer.

Shut-ins who function as writers may disagree with me, but I sense there’s a fine line between writing and living.

I say this as I watch the home-schooled boy, who lives across the street from my house, ride his scooter around and around my circular driveway.

He’s about 10 or 11 and incapable of exploring our neighborhood on foot. He’s glued to his scooter. When other boys his age are tied to their desks at school, this boy is outside, tearing around Coffee Pot Bayou on an aluminum scooter.

I think he loves my driveway because it has a slight slope and provides a thrilling change in elevation on an otherwise flat ride.

He has no idea I’m watching him from my office window.

Sometimes I wonder what he’s thinking, as if I forget what it’s like to be a daydreaming kid.

I have not forgotten what it’s like to be a daydreaming kid.

It’s clouds and Popsicle sticks. Big words in poetry books. Splices of sunlight and windburned cheeks. Ankle socks and white Keds. Ease and perpetual un-worry.

Sometimes in moments of anxiety or frustration I lose sight of these things, but the flicker of memories is always there like a tingly bundle of neurons tucked inside a lock box, stored somewhere in my head for safe keeping, at my disposal whenever I need to pull from it.

As a kid, all that concerned me were the things I could see and feel in fleeting windows of time, marked by what I had studied that day in school, by what my mother had packed in my Igloo lunchbox, by what chapters I had read in a particular Judy Blume book, by what boy had captured my attention, by the pop song lyrics stuck in my head. The taste of red Kool-Aid.

I used to ride a scooter too. Around and around my parent’s driveway. It was purple. Skidding up and down the driveway, I would get lost for hours in my head, making up stories ruled by the forces of magic and imagination, not realizing at the time how these daydreams would shape me, how well these fantasies would serve me, how material things could never eclipse my capacity to think, how in my head I would always have everything I’d ever need.

Remember in the Shawshank Redemption when Andy locks himself in the jail library and blasts Mozart over the PA system? Remember how he says there are places in the world that aren’t made of stone? That no one can ever take away how you feel when you listen to music; that it will always be yours wherever you are?

This is how I feel about storytelling.

Even when I’m not doing it.

[Read more…]

Life is like a jar of pickles

December 31, 2010 by heidi 2 Comments

Tomorrow is 2011. The date sounds so futuristic to me.

Tonight Joe and I have dinner reservations at a trendy new restaurant in downtown St. Pete.

I plan on wearing a dress, red lipstick and high heels.

I’ve looked forward to this date all week.

And yes, I plan on having a sip (or two) of champagne. The baby and I could use a little fizz to ring in the New Year.

But that’s tonight.

Right now it’s 4:11 in the afternoon and I’m still digesting the sandwiches I made today for myself and my friend Wendy Joan, who pedaled her bicycle over to my place today for lunch.

Tomato, mozzarella and basil on pita with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, followed by strawberry salad, followed by chocolate truffles. Deeeeeelicious.

So, yeah, I keep thinking 2011 sounds futuristic, but right now the coming year feels comfortably quaint.

Why is that?

First: because Wendy brought me the cutest jar of homemade pickles. (That’s the jar above. Adorable, right?)

Second: because she rode her bicycle here.

Third: because she used to live in Sarasota, but recently moved to St. Pete and now we live a mere two miles apart.

Fourth: because Wendy is originally from Buffalo, which means we immediately have 500 Buffalo things to talk about, like the fact that she also worked at the McKinley Mall and that there’s a pretty good chance that during my four years at Waldenbooks our paths unknowingly crossed a dozen times.

Fifth: because Wendy is also a journalist.

When I woke up this morning I thought about how I want to feel in 2011. I thought about how nice it would be to stretch out the simple pleasures a little more. Of course I have my big goals and my big plans, but it’s the little stuff in between that keeps the big goals on track.

Little pleasures keep us well oiled. They make us better equipped for plowing through big stuff, heavy stuff.

The way I see it, if I can start off 2011 with a jar of homemade pickles, I’m doing alright.

Happy New Year, beloved Lance-a-lots. It’s gonna be a good one.

Peace. Love. And cold.

December 28, 2010 by heidi 5 Comments


I’m cool with the cold.

It can stay for a bit longer.

I know I moved to Florida for a break in the gray. For warmth. For sun. For sundresses. Flip flops. Enormous sunglasses.

But I miss the cold. I miss bundling. I miss warming my face over a hot cup of soup. I miss the crunch of snow. Skiing. Snowmobiling. The utilitarian function of long baths. How when you step outside on a bright white day, the air doesn’t move. Even your breathing is silent, as if your lungs are also wearing a sweater.

I realize how much I miss the cold when the square-jawed weathermen in Florida start shaking in their Izod shirts and advising people to cover their plants and dress their children in snowsuits every time the temperature drops below 50.

The cold is such a novelty in Florida, like juggling monkeys or monogrammed pillows.

[Read more…]

The jam session.

September 12, 2010 by heidi 11 Comments

Mothership drew this cartoon of me, Joe and the pug on the back of an envelope a couple years ago.

Let’s call it The Jam Session.

Those of you who know Joe, know he loves to jam. He’s awesome at it. He even has this little jam face. All good guitar players have one and Joe is no different.

The first night I met Joe, he played me a song on his guitar.

It was a song he made up earlier that day, prior to meeting me and a gaggle of friends at a downtown St. Pete restaurant.

It was a slow song, a dreamy song, the kind you drink coffee and cook pancakes to. We would do this a few months later, after the dating dance had begun. But at this moment Joe was a stranger with framed concert posters on his walls and an odd bar of Lava soap in his bathroom.

The song, so you can hear it in your head, was the kind of sweet little number girls get squishy over. Boys know guitars make girls swoon. It was a nice treat and the perfect cap on an otherwise perfect night.

He didn’t sing. Just strummed this song, a short song with a lullaby of a refrain that repeats and folds over itself like a quilt.

I was sitting in his apartment on his old futon, wedged between four good friends who no longer live here. We were all fairly drunk. I was slurring inappropriate stories that I would never have told in front of mixed company had my tongue not been coated in vodka.

I was being myself. My roots were exposed.

It was because I was comfortable.

This was because of Joe.

Eventually my roommate passed out on the futon, curled up in the fetal position. Two years and eight months later, after he had moved to Philadelphia, my roommate would get ordained to marry Joe and me on top of a hill in Ellicottville, N.Y.

But none of that had happened yet.

In that moment we were just a cluster of friends in an old apartment with dark hardwood floors, telling stories and taking turns trying to play Joe’s guitar.

It was cool out. I was wearing a purple scarf around my neck and a green scarf in my hair. Joe remembers this.

We had all lost track of time and the night had rolled on thick with throaty laughs; the way nights with friends tend to do.

My insides felt velvety. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so snug with someone I had just met.

I had gone out begrudgingly that night, but at 2 a.m. there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

That little song Joe played for me, did I mention it was an original?

It became my song.

On our wedding day, Joe stood under an arbor and played it as I walked down an aisle made of scattered mulch.

He looked dashing. He always looks dashing when he’s playing his guitar.

I wasn’t nervous.

I felt warm and sunny and light and comfortable.

Every time Joe plays me that song I think of our beginnings.

His futon. On top of a hill in Western New York.

My insides turn to velvet.

Recently, he played it for me when I was standing in the front yard, tugging weeds out of our vegetable garden. He walked out the door, guitar tucked under his arm, strumming for all the neighborhood to hear.

Curious, our neighbors moseyed over.

I didn’t even notice they were standing there until the song was over and they applauded.

—

PS. Happy anniversary, my darling rock star. I’m the luckiest gal in the universe to have snagged you. Have you ever thought about giving our song a title?

Interview with a best friend

July 2, 2010 by heidi 8 Comments

We had a garage sale in 2004, shortly before I moved to Florida. We made $6.

On Dyngus Day in St. Pete, Florida. April 2010.

—-

Back in April my best friend Ro flew down to Florida to spend her spring break with me.

The visit was so succulent and memorable and FUN that the second I dropped Ro off at the airport (to return to Buffalo) I began bawling.

But before she left, I interviewed her. I intended to post the interview back in April, but I’ve been busy, stressed and cranky, which is unfortunate because during her stay I felt weightless. Young. Just reading over this thing makes me giggle — something I could use a little more of lately.

Rose and I have been friends since 7th grade. To fully understand the kind of friendship we have you’d have to see our high school yearbooks. Every June before summer vacation we’d exchange yearbooks and fill three full pages each with memories.

If we were handed yearbooks as adults, Rose and I would still fill three pages each every year.

And we live 1,300 miles apart.

Ro is getting married next Saturday at a beautiful old church in South Buffalo. I’m her matron of  honor. The conversation below touches on that and everything from pussy willows to swim caps to that time in 8th grade when we apparently didn’t speak to each other.

Dear Ro: I’m sitting at the Tampa Airport, waiting to board my flight to Buffalo. I’m so excited to see you get married that my restless leg syndrome is keeping the man next to me awake.

—-

What’s on your mind at this current moment?

“Trying to find the picture of the dress I’m wearing for my shower.”

Would you ever consider wearing a jumpsuit or a romper to your shower?

“Yes, I can wear anything I want to my shower. It’s my one chance to be ridiculous. I’m kidding. You should write that I’m kidding”

Is there a particular shower gift you’re anticipating or really want?

“No, not at all. I’m anticipating not getting a tandem bicycle. Yeah, no. There’s nothing I really want because the things on my registry would be good to have, but they’re probably not necessary.”

Your mom was going to get you a tandem. Why did she nix the idea?

“Well, as you well know, it’s difficult to live with people who do not share the same level of fitness energy as you do, so I thought it would cause many fights. It felt like I would predominately ride the tandem bike single.”

Was she crushed that you didn’t want it?

“I think she’s relieved that she didn’t waste $800 on a bike no one would ride.”

[Read more…]

Dinner Rehab #3: Eat like a single man

May 23, 2010 by heidi 4 Comments

Dude food is cheap and easy.

Bachelor alert.

This meal suggestion came from my quintessentially single 30-year-old male friend, Zipper Boy. Remember him?

“Pizza, subs, meat and potatoes”

Thanks Zipper, for reminding me that sometimes cooking is overrated.

So, in the spirit of ordering take-out, here are (in my opinion) the best pizza, sub and meat & potato eateries within a five-mile radius of my St. Petersburg home:

Best pizza: Valentino’s Little Italy. The pizza is thin and the sauce is savory. I love that there’s always a stack of Old Northeast Journals by the register. And the people who work there are so agreeable even though Joe constantly knocks over the little cup of toothpicks on the counter.

Best $5 sub: Jimmy John’s. Yes, I’m going with a chain. I’m obsessed with JJ subs. They’re the best bang for your buck and the #6 vegetarian option comes with a delectable mayo/avocado spread.

Best meat & potatoes: Moon Under Water. They serve fried macaroni cheese bites. Hello? Who could ask for more?

My urban rooster flew the coop

May 19, 2010 by heidi 2 Comments

Tonight I learned from my neighbor, Sherry, that the family with the urban rooster moved out last month. They bought a farm out east where they can have a whole barn full of roosters. I wonder if their little late-sleeper will start rising at 5 a.m. now that he’s a real farm animal? There’s no way the other barnyard animals will put up with a groggy cock with an 11 a.m. wake up call.

On the upside: I learned that the people across the street have a goose. I’ve heard it honking before, but I just assumed it was their newborn baby.

—

PS. Photo by jaybergesen via Flickr.

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If you really want to know why I continue to write here, read this post.

Lance lately

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Oddities

Reading material

Wild by Cheryl Strayed Travels with Charley Home Game bossypants just kids the time travelers wife Boys Life The-Liars-Club My Uncle Oswald Stephen King On Writing

Me.

Heidi K

Joe.

Joe on guitar

Henry.

henry as werewolf

Chip.

Chippy in a cupboard

Buzzy.

Buzzy

Why Lance?

This blog is named after my old friend Sarah's manifestation of a dreamy Wyoming cowboy named Lance, because the word blog sounds like something that comes out of a person's nose.

About me

I'm a journalist who spends my Mondays through Fridays writing other people's stories, a chronic procrastinator who needs structure. I once quit my job to write a book and like most writers, I made up excuses why I couldn't keep at it.

My boyfriend fiancé husband Joe likes to sleep in late on the weekends, but since we have a kid now that happens less than he'd like.

Before Henry and Chip, I used to spend my mornings browsing celebrity tabloid websites while our dog snored under the covers. Now I hide my computer in spots my feral children can't reach because everything I own is now broken, stained or peed on.

I created Lance in an attempt to better spend my free time. I thought it might jump start a second attempt at writing a novel.

It hasn't. And my free time is gone.

But I'm still here writing.

I'm 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 and I've yet to get caught up in something else, which is kind of a big deal for a chronic procrastinator.

How I met Joe

If you're new here and looking for nirvana, read this post.

And if that’s not enough…

heidikurpiela.com

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