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While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping

What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

Archives for September 2009

We clean up OK.

September 21, 2009 by heidi 6 Comments

Check out Wendy Mitchell’s blog for more wedding pomp (with a side of pug of course.)

Wendy did a killer job with these photos and though I’m currently road-trippin through the Adirondack Mountains on my honeymoon, having way too much gooey fun to write a single Lance post, I couldn’t possibly pry myself away from the World Wide Web for two weeks.

I was camping in The Thousand Islands, NY when Wendy emailed me a link to her blog with this message:

“Sorry it took almost a week, but I think it was worth the wait!!”

I agree. Thanks Wendy! And thanks for pointing out which hand my ring should go on and how my dress should button on the top and all the little stuff that I so clearly was clueless about. I can’t wait to see the rest of your pics.

heidi and joe_by wendy mitchell

Yonder mountain wedding snapshots

September 16, 2009 by heidi 10 Comments

 Katebackdrop|Backdrops Sale for Photography

Until I get my photos from kate backdrop Photographer Wendy, these random shots from my dad’s camera will have to do. Here’s me & Joe with my Oma & Opa on the top of HoliMont ski hill in Ellicottville, N.Y. 

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Joe and I with our brilliant officiant Zac Chase – the man who insisted I ask Joe out.

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The wedding party  and the perfect wedding veil– and what a party it was.

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Joe played the guitar when I walked down the aisle. The song was one he had come up with (coincidentally) on the same night we met.

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Papa and Nana with my cousins Reb and Erik. I love this photo. A lot.

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My cousins Krystle and Cory are newlyweds too! They got married in Buffalo a month ago. After the wedding they drove us back to our suite in their yellow Hummer and 15 minutes later brought us back takeout from The Gin Mill. Cory, unable to find salt packets for our french fries, decided to swipe the bar’s glass salt shaker and stick it in the bag with our food. I’m forever grateful for this and thus plan to use the salt shaker forever.

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MEN IN BLACK: Adam (my future brother-in-law), Zipper Boy, Joe’s brother Phil, and of course Joe.

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MY GIRLS: Leilani, Rosey & Ro.

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MY GIRLS, TAKE TWO: Yuuki, Heelya & PK.

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This was the view coming up the hill.

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This was the view coming down the hill.

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And this was the view on the top of the hill: me, Joe, Grandpa Ra and Joe’s mom, MaryAnn.

—–

Meet my alter bride!

September 12, 2009 by heidi 2 Comments

Waterfall

Meet Jonathan and Angel.

These two lovebirds are getting married Sept. 12, 2010. I “met” Angel a couple months ago via Lance. She left me a nice comment and mentioned that she too was getting hitched Sept. 12, but exactly one year later. She lives in Seattle and doesn’t remember exactly how she found Lance, only that it was filed in a folder she called, “Miscellaneous Fun Stuff” on her computer desktop. I told her I was beyond flattered and just tickled pink that a random girl on the other side of the country was not only reading Lance, but that the website was filed in a Miscellaneous Fun Stuff folder and like me, she too was getting married Sept. 12.

So, I decided to ask her 12 questions in honor of our mutual wedding anniversary and post them here on the day of my wedding. I think you’ll quite like her. She’s fiery, fun and honest.

—

1. Why did you pick Sept. 12, 2010?

We picked Sept. 12 because the venue was not available to us in August, which represented the month we really fell in the love. We also knew that getting married on Labor Day weekend is totally obnoxious.  As it turns out, Sept. 12 is Jonathan’s grandma’s birthday, so this is a nice tribute to her since she passed away and Jonathan really misses her.

2. How did Jonathan propose?

There wasn’t so much of a proposal as there was a discussion that spanned several months.  It came as a pretty big surprise to Jonathan that he even wanted to get married since he had always been a little bit of a ladies man — and totally stubborn on top of that.  He basically equated marriage with losing independence and any kind of freedom since his upbringing wasn’t exactly the stereotypical nuclear family.  So being all in love and stuff, he brought it up by talking about how if he were “to ever be married” he would be honored to have me for his wife.  And I responded, with great mushiness, “I would be proud to have you for a husband.”  And it just kind of went from there.  A couple of months later, he asked my parents for permission and they totally made him sweat for a few minutes before saying they were cool with it.  This was about 18 months ago.  We were going to be married this August, but Jonathan got let go from his construction job, which paid ridiculously well, so we bumped it back a year.  Jonathan took a ring that was his Uroma’s (great grandma’s) and we made it into a pendant for me because the ring was just a little too “dainty” for my man-sized hands.

3. How far along are you in the wedding-planning process?

I have found my dress, my first pick of shoes, (not as exciting as yours!) the bridesmaid’s dresses, obviously settled on colors, found several flowers that are seasonal and appropriate and settled on a cake vendor, DJ, venue, and most of the outdoor décor. I have some idea of the tablescapes (aww crap, did I just say tablescape?) and my registry is 90% complete. I have a vision for what Jonathan and the boys will be wearing, we have ideas for our rings, and I have the processional music picked out, as well as the song for our first dance and the dance with my dad.  I have also scoped out bartenders and a place to rent chair covers since I hate the ones at the venue.  A really good friend is doing all our pictures; he took the one I sent you, and one of my best friends is an executive chef so he’s cooking all the food, along with my brother, who is also a chef. My mom used to be a florist so she’s doing the flowers. It’s my one concession to her and the thing that has me the most stressed.  I am trading pictures for the services of a new wedding coordinator in the area and she will work for “free” on the day-of to make sure everything goes the way I want it to without being hassled every 5 minutes with questions.  The favors are decided on, but will take some time to create.  I have the guest list done, the website 90% done, and the timeline sketched out.

So yeah, I have a lot done, I guess.  I warned you that I was obsessive when it came to planning.  This is my second marriage and Jonathan’s first.  While it is important that everything is the way I want it, it is MORE important to me that the day is as awesome as can be for Jonathan because this is going to be his first and ONLY wedding.

4. Tell me about your first Bridezilla moment. We all have ’em.

I’m not sure if I have technically had a Bridezilla moment.  In fact, I really hate that word.  It basically conjures images of everything I am trying NOT to be.  If there’s anything I’ve been a pain about, it was the engagement party.  I totally had a meltdown over the menu I was planning.  It didn’t seem to flow for me.  I seriously almost simultaneously hyperventilated and wet my pants in abject fear, while trying to resolve it in my head at work.  My co-worker and good friend talked me through it on the way home and she gave me great advice: build the menu around a protein.  Once I picked salmon (I think she suggested it) everything totally fell into place and I quit freaking out.  It was fabulous, too, that salmon.  Everyone loved it.

5. What one traditional wedding thing are you straight-up refusing to do?

I refuse to wear a veil.  Who are we kidding, people?

6. What one traditional wedding thing have you wholeheartedly embraced?

I surprised the hell out of myself by getting a fairly elaborate dress.  I initially went in to find something simple and flow-y and Grecian.  And then I realized that when you are 5’10” with giant boobs, that style of dress just makes you look pregnant.  When the dress shop owner picked out a dress, I figured I’d try it on to humor her.  Turns out it wasn’t even in my size, but when we held it up to me, I just knew that it was the one. She ordered it for me just to try on, and it is perfect.  I refused to cry in the store but when I got home and was telling Jonathan that is was beautiful I started to tear up.

7. What’s your favorite wedding scene in a movie?

It’s a toss up. Either the wedding at the end of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, or the scene in Bride Wars where they beat the crap out of each other.  OK seriously, I think it might be from In Her Shoes. I love Toni Collette and Mark Feuerstein, and I love how sweet and personal that ceremony was to the characters.

8. What’s the best wedding advice you’ve received so far?

It’s your day, have fun. And make sure you eat.

9. Do you have a favorite wedding blog?

I don’t have any favorites, really.  I just sort of bounce around “stealing” ideas.  When I stumbled on to Lance via another wedding article I was thrilled that there was another girl who couldn’t believe that the wedding virus, which can lie dormant for many years, had caught up with her too.  I use The Knot a lot, because there is occasionally useful information and stories that make me laugh — and not always “with” people.

10. Have you and Jonathan had any wedding-related arguments?

Oh baby, you betcha!  The big and ongoing argument is about changing my name.  I don’t want to.  Done it once, and had to change it back. I’m not super stoked about going through the process again.  I like my name.  I am super proud to be a Ratliff.  I floated the idea of him changing his name, mostly to make a point.  He merged our last names to Cartliff (Carter-Ratliff), which we love, but he isn’t exactly sold on changing his name, either.  His thing is explaining to people “why” I wouldn’t change my name.  I could give a monkey doodle about what other people care about.  It’s not about them.  I will win in the end. I have every confidence in this.

11. We’ve talked about how girlie-ness creeps up on you when there’s an engagement ring on your finger, have you noticed a significant metamorphosis from Angel-the-rational-girlfriend to Angel-the-overly emotional-fiancé? If so, do explain.

The best example of this was when I had a huge fight with my mom over something not even wedding-related.  I wasn’t going to bend and I was sure she was never going to talk to me again and that she wouldn’t come to the wedding, blah blah blah.  (Insert dramatic scene here.)  When I mentioned to Jonathan that we should just go to Vegas and forget about the whole ceremony, he said, “We can do whatever you want,” which is the wrong answer as I am sure you and every woman know.

I started crying because I wouldn’t be able to wear my pretty dress in Vegas because it just ISN’T a Vegas dress, and how I loved my pretty, pretty dress, and how it needs an aisle and a garden to walk through.  Now imagine saying all of that through tears, a snotty nose and big, blubbering sobs.  Super attractive.  It’s a testament to our love that Jonathan didn’t run right then and there.  The damn dress hooked me.  I would be saving a shit-ton of money if I had never put on that magical creation.

12. What’s the one thing you want people to take away from your wedding?

That we are a great couple and the day absolutely suited us.

Debauchery, bug infestations & Quality Inns

September 10, 2009 by heidi 8 Comments

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Before I was pulled  on stage during my bachelorette party at Club Nautico Cabaret, and before my hand was physically grabbed and shoved down this queen’s bedazzled corset, PK and I battled an ant infestation in my car.

We were gussied up and about to go out for my second bachelorette party this year when my sister yelled from the driveway, “HEID. YOU’VE GOT A SERIOUS BUG PROBLEM IN YOUR CAR.”

Of course. Last month we gassed the house for termites and $900 later my car is crawling with ants. And when I say crawling. I mean CRAWLING. The seats, the floor, the side door pocket, CRAWLING with ants. Not only was it crawling with ants, there was a mound of ants on the floor, erupting. ERUPTING.

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Rather than waste time screaming over this disgusting and poorly timed infestation – because of course we were already late for my bachelorette party at Leilani’s – PK ran to get me the hose and together we blasted the inside of my car with a pressure so fierce the ants had no choice but to begin fleeing in a mass exodus up the hose, up my legs and eventually my arms. 

“THEY’RE ON ME! THEY’RE F*#@#% on me!” I screamed as I started rolling ants off my arms and legs.

“Drop the hose” PK yelled. “DROP THE HOSE.”

It was around this time that my bubbly neighbor Sherry ambled over to tell PK and I how adorable we looked in our clubbing attire, only to see me leaping like a gazelle across the front lawn, killing ants on my legs.

“I’ve got an ant infestation in the car!” I screamed.

“Do you want a bomb?” She asked. 

“You have BUG BOMBS just lying around?” 

“Yeah, I’ve got a bunch in the shed. Let me grab you one.”

So Sherry grabbed a bug bomb, PK tossed the hose, I ran my legs and arms under bath water, ran outside refreshed and ready to party, detonated the bomb in my car and shut the door, forcing us to take PK’s shiteous car to the club.

Kudos to Leilani, for organizing a perfectly hilarious evening of rom-com watching, quality snacking and drag queen groping. It was a brilliant bachelorette party and I’m forever grateful for what I can only describe as the most epic MOOBS encounter of my life. Let’s not forget how poetically I waxed on the topic of MOOBS seven months ago?

We got back to the house around 2:45 a.m. PK’s flight was at 7, which meant I had three hours to sleep before leaving for the airport. 

But then Joe’s bachelor party rolled into the house at 5 a.m…

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I took this photo at 5:30 a.m. The two men shall remain anonymous. 

—

Ed. note: I meant to post this Sunday morning from the car wash, where I was sitting waiting for dead bugs to be vacuumed from my car.  I meant to finish it, but now I don’t feel like it. I’m tired and lazy right now, so up it goes – as is. It’s 2 a.m. Thursday and Joe and I are at a Quality Inn somewhere near the Virginia border. I used my AAA discount to get us a nice room with a fridge for $65. The pug, who we smuggled in, is snoring next to me. Joe is a bit cranky from driving 900 miles and I’m warm and toasty from a long, hot motel bath. After spending the day writing an A&E cover story from the passenger seat of of a Honda Accord, I needed to soak my brain but good.

Anyway. We’re heading to Buffalo in the morning for Part II of our pre-wedding road trip.

BTW: OUR WEDDING IS IN THREE DAYS, and other than the titillating excitement of that, I’m fiending for tomorrow’s continental breakfast. 

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Here we are. Me, the pug & Joe at 2:06 a.m. in Mt. Airy, N.C., Andy Griffith’s hometown. Before I go, I leave you with one Joe-ism:

Ten seconds ago, I turned to my soon-to-be-husband and asked: “If I get up in time for the continental breakfast, would you like me to get you anything?”

“Yes,” he replied. “A chocolate muffin.”

“A chocolate muffin?”

“Yes. Not a chocolate chip muffin, but an all-chocolate muffin?”

“What do you think this place is? A french patisserie?

“Hey,” he says. “This place is called The Quality Inn, not the half-assed in.”

—

PS. I set my new manicure on fire over the weekend. Apparently acrylic nails are highly flammable.  

 

Why do I even blogger?

If you really want to know why I continue to write here, read this post.

Lance lately

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Oddities

Reading material

Wild by Cheryl Strayed Travels with Charley Home Game bossypants just kids the time travelers wife Boys Life The-Liars-Club My Uncle Oswald Stephen King On Writing

Me.

Heidi K

Joe.

Joe on guitar

Henry.

henry as werewolf

Chip.

Chippy in a cupboard

Buzzy.

Buzzy

Why Lance?

This blog is named after my old friend Sarah's manifestation of a dreamy Wyoming cowboy named Lance, because the word blog sounds like something that comes out of a person's nose.

About me

I'm a journalist who spends my Mondays through Fridays writing other people's stories, a chronic procrastinator who needs structure. I once quit my job to write a book and like most writers, I made up excuses why I couldn't keep at it.

My boyfriend fiancé husband Joe likes to sleep in late on the weekends, but since we have a kid now that happens less than he'd like.

Before Henry and Chip, I used to spend my mornings browsing celebrity tabloid websites while our dog snored under the covers. Now I hide my computer in spots my feral children can't reach because everything I own is now broken, stained or peed on.

I created Lance in an attempt to better spend my free time. I thought it might jump start a second attempt at writing a novel.

It hasn't. And my free time is gone.

But I'm still here writing.

I'm 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 and I've yet to get caught up in something else, which is kind of a big deal for a chronic procrastinator.

How I met Joe

If you're new here and looking for nirvana, read this post.

And if that’s not enough…

heidikurpiela.com

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