Joe is watching the Packers–Vikings game tonight, which means I’ve lost my television privileges, which means I’m bored, sitting on the couch watching the NFL’s juicy Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers sword fight.
“Really?” I asked Joe. “We’ve gotta watch this game? We watched football yesterday.”
“It’s Favre versus the Packers,” he cried. “Yes, we’re watching this game.”
“Goddamit. OK, fine,” I said. “I’ll just write a Lance post about how much I hate peeling stickers off my shit.”
So here ya go. I hate peeling stickers off my shit. Never has this been more obvious than now, as I unpack boxes filled with the nicest kitchen gadgets, appliances and cookware I’ve ever owned – Bed Bath & Beyond wedding presents from family and friends. The goods themselves are wonderful, but the store’s stickers I swear to you are made with an impenetrable goo devised by military weapon manufacturers. I’m afraid Bed Bath & Beyond stickers are so permanent and unforgiving they are no longer stickers. They are stuckers.
What has spurred this seemingly random rant?
My cheese slicer. That’s what. A gift from Joe’s parent’s friends. Last week I finally purchased a block of cheese worthy of slicing, but when I went to shave a chunk of mozzarella off the block, I noticed that a goddamn sticker was stuck to the head of the slicer. And not only that, the goddamn sticker was wrapped around the handle of the tool making the likelihood of goo residue even more probable.
Like most stickers, this one was stubborn and unyielding. Even worse, I couldn’t actually USE the apparatus to cut my cheese until I removed the ghastly sticker. I clawed at the label. I gnawed on it. I tried to lift it with a knife and scrape it with my fingernail. None of it worked. I was salivating for mozzarella. Craving its creaminess. The milky brick was teasing me from the kitchen counter, daring me to give up the good fight and reach for a steak knife instead, but I would not admit defeat.
It took five applications of olive oil and two dishwasher runs to lift the residue off ONE cutting board! After I peeled the gargantuan Chop and Scoop sticker off the front of the board, it was so gummy I could palm it.
And don’t even get me started on pictures frames. WHY DO STORES PUT CHEAP-ASS STICKERS ON PICTURE FRAMES? I’ve lost a year of my life delicately removing sticker crumbles off the glass in picture frames.
Now, I understand companies need to label their products with prices, brands, half-off stickers and barcodes. I get that. But at least invest in a quality sticker. One that comes OFF. Like butter. ON THE FIRST TRY.
Fellow consumers, I’m using box cutters to chip away at stickers. BOX CUTTERS. And still my efforts are futile. It shouldn’t be this hard to rid an item of its packaging.
Bed Bath & Beyond, you insult me. I recommend you take a cue from Borders. Borders stickers are so easy to remove I challenge anyone to leave behind a smidgen of adhesive debris on the first pull.
Now that’s a quality sticker. That’s a sticker I can respect.