While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping

What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

Archives for March 2012

Marital non sequitur: finger foods

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We’re standing in the kitchen, heating up leftovers. I make a plate of steamed veggies, then hand Joe a plate of cold pasta.

Me: “Stick this in the microwave for 30 seconds.”

[Joe abides. Timer beeps. He pulls out plate.]

Me: “Is it hot enough?”

Joe: “I don’t know. Come here and tell me.”

Me: “You just tell me.”

Joe: “I’m not touching your food.”

Me: “What? Why? I don’t give a shit.”

Joe: “Because it’s wrong. And gross.”

Me: “But we’re married. What’s mine is yours.”

Joe: “Not in this case.”

Me: “I’m sure most people would agree with me.”

Joe: “I think you’re wrong. I think most people would say marriage does not mean you’re granted permission to touch your spouse’s food.”

Me: “What if your spouse grants you permission?”

“Almost all lions carry venom.”

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In case you’ve wondered why your comments suddenly have to be approved before they show up on The Lance, here’s why: idiotic spam comments now flood my inbox and it’s way worse than ever before. Have other WordPress bloggers noticed this?

I decided to share my favorite one with you, because on top of making no sense (typical of spam), it’s friggen hilarious. I think “Britany Mclauren” deserves a guest column, don’t you?

 

A new comment on the post “On waiting and wish sticks” is waiting for your approval
http://www.whilemyboyfriendwassleeping.com/2011/06/01/on-waiting-and-wish-sticks/

Author : Britany Mclauren

Comment: Besides Halloween night accessories, it is rarely a good thing when you have lions in your home. Yet many people don’t understand such a true problem these scary crawlies are really. A lot of them, for example the brownish recluse, one such search engine spider in location, will surely have fatal consequences.The issues spiders and other pests are usually a problem throughout the slide a few months happens because this is when the climate along with temperatures varies as the weather conditions calme. This makes just about all pesky insects restless, plus more planning to walk, such as roaming straight into locations like attics, publication shelving, cabinets, cabinets, storage sheds, and garages. They are especially fond of darker places. Almost all lions carry venom, that is utilized in order to relax his or her feed.

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PS. Lion illustration by the talented Kevin Waldron.

A love letter in a Rubbermaid tote

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lace wig

I’ve never been a big fan of fate.

It’s a lazy ideology and an easy way to make sense of the fortunes and misfortunes that steer the course of our lives.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a wistful dreamer with an overactive imagination; raised without a religion, save for the convictions I borrowed from a dog-eared copy of “The Little Prince.”

I’m not saying fate doesn’t exist. I’m just saying I’m better equipped at tempting it than I am at waiting for it to happen, because often it’s the choices we make (or don’t make) that decide our destiny.

I found proof of this a couple months ago buried under a stack of clothes in my bedroom closet.

A love letter in a Rubbermaid tote.

I came across it the way we often come across faded notes and old photographs: by accident, by chance, by fate or whatever you’d like to call it.

[Read more…]

Let me tell you a story. In person.

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Now’s your chance to see Lance live.

For those of you in St. Pete/Tampa/Sarasota, I’ll be stepping out from behind the comforts of bloggyland to spin one of my yarns into a microphone (gulp), in front of a crowd (gulp) Friday night at Creative Loafing’s Story Time, Volume 2: Fate and Fortune at the CL Space in Ybor City.

I’ll be telling a new story about an old flame. And no, it doesn’t involve guardian bum angels. It does, however, involve Sinbad.

Yes, the comedian.

R.I.P. Cubbie’s balls

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ST. PETERSBURG – Cubbie’s hairy black balls died Wednesday following a standard neutering procedure at a Florida veterinary clinic. They were seven years old.

Unusually large for pug testicles, they saw very little action during their brief but well documented time on earth.

Though they rarely did a productive thing and were loath to get off the couch, they were a frequent topic of conversation. Those that knew Cubbie’s balls say they were the kind of nuts that lit up a room.

“They never got testy,” remarked Squirrel Baby, the balls’ on-again-off-again lover. “Even at their lowest and darkest, they could still roll with it.”

Though Cubbie’s balls never served active duty, they enlisted the day they left the litter and routinely descended on friend or foe whenever the moment was ripe.

“I could tell they really wanted to go out and test their might,” said Squirrel Baby. “But they just couldn’t sack up, ya know?”

Instead Cubbie’s balls lived a leisurely life, spent hanging out and tea bagging humans.

Despite their impressive size, they were a modest set of balls. When one overpriced veterinarian suggested replacing their likeness with prosthetic dog nuts called Neuticles, Cubbie’s balls refused the offer.

“We’ve lived a nice well-rounded life,” the pair said. “Save your imposter nuts for cockier dogs. We’re ready to bounce.”

Cubbie’s balls were survived by Cubbie’s father’s balls.