• Motherhood
  • Love & Marriage
  • Roots
  • Writing
  • Best of Lance
  • Pregnancy
  • Photography

While My Boyfriend Was Sleeping

What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

Some men can’t tell a lie

March 18, 2013 by heidi 6 Comments

Two true conversations – one recent and one not-so-recent:

When I was about 19, insecure and dating my high school sweetheart, I asked him if he thought I was chubby.

He replied, “You’re not chubby. You’ve just got a thin layer of fat on your stomach.”

I couldn’t argue with this assessment. It was true. And though his remark didn’t send me into a downward spiral of body hate, it certainly didn’t boost my ego. It stuck with me of course, not because it was purposefully hurtful, but because it was idiotically truthful.

Fast-forward to my marriage …

About two weeks ago, after walking out of the shower and glancing in the mirror, I noticed that my shoulders looked especially broad and my arms looked especially muscle-y in that she’s-built-like-a-tank kind of way.

So I asked Joe, “Do you think all this swimming is making my shoulders too broad?”

He replied, “You’ve always had shoulders like a linebacker. It’s one of the first things I noticed about you.”

At first I sighed. I’m a Hungarian shot put thrower. Then I grunted and flashed my teeth like a grizzly bear.

“Fine,” I growled. “All the better to kick your ass.”

Filed Under: awkwardness, constructive criticism, Joe, swimming

Comments

  1. Carrie says

    March 18, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Jim once told me that my butt looked really big in a pair of jeans – quickly following up with saying he’s an “ass-man” so it’s a good thing.

    Sometimes I wonder about the male species – gotta love em!

    I love the recent surge of blog entries!! hope it continues! And your king – why is he not a baby model?! Too cute!

    sending love to FL!

  2. Ro says

    March 18, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Tom is the king of these statments…in the early second trimester-maybe 15 weeks when you just feel bloated and fat I was looking in the mirror hopeful to see a baby bump of some sort instead of pudge he walked in and said “well you’re not getting any smaller I can tell you that.”
    Just yesterday he looked at my belly, now 28 weeks, and yes I’ll send a new pic 🙂 and said “wow, you’ve really ovaled out, but don’t worry you’re beautiful”
    men!

  3. heidi says

    March 18, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    OVALED OUT! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is the best thing I’ve heard all day.

  4. Sara says

    March 19, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Isn’t it amazing how your mind transforms from your teens to your 30’s? This says far more about you than about men. Imagine how amazing you’ll be at 60?? Awesome.

  5. Joe Bardi says

    April 22, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    When asked direct questions by your wife you should always lie. Check, I got it now.

  6. Meg Biram says

    May 4, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    Knowing you in person I’m pretty sure it is impossible for your shoulders to actually be “big.”

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Why do I even blogger?

If you really want to know why I continue to write here, read this post.

Lance lately

  • Old School Values
  • Land of Hives and Honey
  • The Happy Camper
  • Truth Bombs with Henry [No. 2]
  • Truth Bombs with Henry [No. 1]
  • By now I’d have two kids

Social commentary

  • Crystal on Pug worries, or what to do when your dog starts having seizures
  • heidi on Land of Hives and Honey
  • Roberta Kendall on Land of Hives and Honey
  • Jane on Pug worries, or what to do when your dog starts having seizures
  • reb on The Happy Camper

Back in the day

  • December 2017 (1)
  • September 2017 (1)
  • May 2017 (1)
  • June 2015 (2)
  • May 2015 (1)
  • February 2015 (1)
  • September 2014 (1)
  • February 2014 (1)
  • January 2014 (1)
  • December 2013 (6)
  • November 2013 (3)
  • October 2013 (5)
  • September 2013 (7)
  • August 2013 (2)
  • July 2013 (3)
  • June 2013 (2)
  • May 2013 (5)
  • April 2013 (2)
  • March 2013 (6)
  • February 2013 (6)
  • January 2013 (4)
  • December 2012 (1)
  • November 2012 (3)
  • October 2012 (3)
  • September 2012 (3)
  • August 2012 (5)
  • June 2012 (5)
  • May 2012 (1)
  • April 2012 (4)
  • March 2012 (5)
  • February 2012 (6)
  • January 2012 (3)
  • December 2011 (1)
  • November 2011 (2)
  • October 2011 (6)
  • September 2011 (6)
  • August 2011 (5)
  • July 2011 (3)
  • June 2011 (4)
  • May 2011 (7)
  • April 2011 (7)
  • March 2011 (6)
  • February 2011 (6)
  • January 2011 (5)
  • December 2010 (7)
  • November 2010 (4)
  • October 2010 (4)
  • September 2010 (11)
  • August 2010 (6)
  • July 2010 (4)
  • June 2010 (6)
  • May 2010 (7)
  • April 2010 (8)
  • March 2010 (5)
  • February 2010 (6)
  • January 2010 (6)
  • December 2009 (10)
  • November 2009 (6)
  • October 2009 (8)
  • September 2009 (4)
  • August 2009 (4)
  • July 2009 (8)
  • June 2009 (8)
  • May 2009 (11)
  • April 2009 (5)
  • March 2009 (14)
  • February 2009 (7)
  • January 2009 (6)
  • December 2008 (3)
  • November 2008 (3)
  • October 2008 (3)
  • September 2008 (5)
  • August 2008 (11)
  • July 2008 (10)
  • June 2008 (13)
  • May 2008 (9)
  • April 2008 (4)

Oddities

Reading material

Wild by Cheryl Strayed Travels with Charley Home Game bossypants just kids the time travelers wife Boys Life The-Liars-Club My Uncle Oswald Stephen King On Writing

Me.

Heidi K

Joe.

Joe on guitar

Henry.

henry as werewolf

Chip.

Chippy in a cupboard

Buzzy.

Buzzy

Why Lance?

This blog is named after my old friend Sarah's manifestation of a dreamy Wyoming cowboy named Lance, because the word blog sounds like something that comes out of a person's nose.

About me

I'm a journalist who spends my Mondays through Fridays writing other people's stories, a chronic procrastinator who needs structure. I once quit my job to write a book and like most writers, I made up excuses why I couldn't keep at it.

My boyfriend fiancé husband Joe likes to sleep in late on the weekends, but since we have a kid now that happens less than he'd like.

Before Henry and Chip, I used to spend my mornings browsing celebrity tabloid websites while our dog snored under the covers. Now I hide my computer in spots my feral children can't reach because everything I own is now broken, stained or peed on.

I created Lance in an attempt to better spend my free time. I thought it might jump start a second attempt at writing a novel.

It hasn't. And my free time is gone.

But I'm still here writing.

I'm 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 and I've yet to get caught up in something else, which is kind of a big deal for a chronic procrastinator.

How I met Joe

If you're new here and looking for nirvana, read this post.

And if that’s not enough…

heidikurpiela.com

Join the fan club

Subscribe

Copyright © 2022 · Magazine Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in